Me VS Society - My Darkside [WARNING: Wall of text]
Oh boy. This is gonna be a long one.
First of all, let me excuse for my english in any form, spelling, gramma etc - English is not my native language.
When i was a kid i was the cutest thing, lille brown fellow with a loveable smile, raised well with a helpfull and a caretaking heart, i had tons of friends and every other kid and adult loved me.
As i grew old enough to start public school, i immediately gained friends. But they didnt last long, as only a year later, the "rich" guy started to bully me, and slowly started to turn everyone around against me, it didnt take long untill everyone started bulling me, calling me names reguarding to my skin color, commenting on my lunchbox and my height. At the time i only had one friend who also got bullied for being friends with me.
two years later i gathered the balls to tell my mother whom i grew up with, she then immediately transfered me to a private school.
But the damage had already been done, i was used to not getting any attention i started becoming weird, doing risky and strange things, cause bad attention is also attention.
As i gained maturity and became a teenager, the only thing i wanted in life, was a girl at my side, that i could be there for. Any psycogical requirements that you will hear a girl have, i had.
The only thing was, that i did not fit in very well in a bigger society at once, due to my past.
I started feeling alone, not having any trust worthy friends, whom also years later left me.
I failed to fit in anywhere, i wasnt cool enough to be in the cool group, and i wasnt neardy enough to be in the geek group, i was stuck in the middle.
During my teenage-age i started having trouble with my Mother. And she then after graduation shipped me to boarding school for a year, which i hated, but i saw it as a fresh start.
This time i did everything i could to be one of the cool guys, cause i noticed they were the one getting all the good ladies, and everyone else had a crush on them.
As in my previous 8 years have been a member of a elite gymnastic team which didnt threat me very well either. The lifestyle i tried to immitate was far from what i imagined.
To become one of the cool guys, smoking was a necessity, and since both my mom did and my father used to, i didnt think so highly of it.
Clubbing and drinking became a weekly thing, since in Denmark the alcohol restrictionage is 16.
But of course being a cool guy, spending tons of money on clothes, alcohol and tobacco left me with nothing, but fake friends.
The kind of friends who would let me walk 10 steps in front of them, and when i wasnt paying attention they would run away leaving me alone somewhere, only to afterwards ask me where i went.
And my dream of being a real gentlemen was still in tact.
When i completed boarding school, i started technical school where i met a common friend, who was in the underworld that i wanted to be, one of the tough guys. I quickly became friends with him, and i started doing some bad stuff, thefts, fighting and other small time crimes.
I didnt like doing it, but the lifestyle got me laid 3 times.
A year later i quit school, to start highschool. I dont know why i even started, cause i had no motivation, but i got through it with bad grades. I had huge issues fighting with myself, finding my place, which i've never found to this day.
At the time i had a good female friend, she was a part of my "friend" group. Everybody in that friend group said that me and her was a perfect match, but she always replied that i was to short, even if i was slightly taller than her. At the time it didnt bother me much, i had no clue that it was actually a thing, i just thought it was a weird preference.
2 years later at the age of 20 my friend was hosting a big party, and since he was close to my friend group we all helped him, some were in the gardarobe, some in the bar, and me in the minibar alone. As i was sitting there selling beers to minors, a common female friend came and sat next to me.
We talked for 45 minutes and went outside afterwards to smoke for 30 minuts untill my friends came out, and since my friends and her knew eachother, i started kissing with the girl infront of them, and thought; now that i've established that i got this girl i could leave her with them while i went back in to visit the mensroom and get another beer.
She then asked me if i could get her one too.
I was inside max 10 minutes, and as i came out, she was all over my friend, raping his mouth.
I was just standing there with two beers in my hand, smiling, trying to not act hurt. As she went in to the toilet, i asked my friend "What the fuck are you doing, you saw me with her???" He then replied that he asked what about me? and she responded he is to short (and at the time he was a relyable friend).
That night they went home and had great sex all night, and i was still at the party had my jacked, keys, wallet and everything but my phone stolen.
That was when i realized height MAY be a factor.
Around a year later my friends made a mean and funny but succesful party-trick in the drunken-nightlife. They would walk up to a girl in a club, saying that they were from a magazine and they were trying to find the clubs best kisser, all they have to do, was to kiss the guy standing over there (who of course was another one of our friends) That night, they said, that they kissed at least 10 girls each.
Who can argue when all 3 guys had the exact same story. Unfortunately i had work that night and couldnt join them.
At the time, it have been 3½ years since i last slept with a girl, and havnt kissed anyone for a long time. The next day they wanted to try the same trick but only with me in focus.
I had my finest clothes on, smelled far away of unicorn farts, fresh haircut and everything. But i didnt even get a smile that day, a group of two ladies even said, "Maybe he should put on some high heels and come back, and maybe then we will consider".
And that was when i started having hatred towards women, and my dream as a kind-hearted gentleman got ripped apart.
Desperate i signed up for a tinder profile, which backfired, as i wrote my height and only got the worst of the worst tinder matches, and those who actually had soemthing nice about them, rejected me, saying my height was a problem.
My confidence got destroyed. A short man, who used to model for years in his youth, didnt even get recognition from one single girl with an attractive feature. And as you heard and saw all the women around you had a new guy home with them every week, even the ugliest one, to the point you would think "How is it even possible". I started having even more hatred towards women, i got so angry with sluts, cause the wanted to sleep with everyone but me.
4 years after my last erotic night, me and my friends took a trip to Germany where i slept with a prostitude which i to this day regret.
I did it only to get something.
Eventho' i've always been against prostitution, thinking its a dirty industry to be in, taking advantage of mens uncontrolable needs.
It brought me nothing but more pain, having to pay for the goods between womens legs cause i was useless in the dating life.
I was so far down at the time, i was so depressed, every time i got into my car, i thought if i shouldnt just drive down the hill into the house at the bottom of the road just to punish myself for being such a failure at life.
I did such an extreme effort to find a girl, everytime i was out in the city i would approach a girl that, well, at least wasnt fat, i got their number, but no one texted back.
About 5 years after the last real female attention, i thought to myself that i would give it one last try to get a girl, or i would go comepletely down and do only god knows what to myself, since im very selfcritic.
Luckely i found an unattractive girl to be with. She was young, but super controversial from everyone else. And i was so nervous when i saw her, i was 23 have slept with 3 girls 5 years ago and i've never had a girlfriend.
But she kept wanting to see me, and she fell for me quickly but i just couldnt fall for her, i've been so emotianally destroyed. It was impossible for me to feel anything.
I felt much better with myself but i still had this hatred towards women that put me in this weird confused position.
From day forward untill now, i've had something 2 girls, who all reminded me why i shut emotionally down in the first place, hurting me.
Today im just hunting for new fat single slutty mothers with anxiety, depression and other life issues to bed.
And im tired of it, not being good enough to have something else, not being able to find a somewhat attractive girl. Always getting hurt when im actually with a girl for more than one time.
Im just sick of being judged by my brown looks and height. As everyone else i have my issues but im actually one of the good guys.
But good guys doesnt get rewarded in this life.
And the bad ones reguardless of male and female have and have had everything i wanted in life.
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